From Ashes To a Diamond

Happiness never looks the way I think it will. Sometimes it looks like real joy. Sometimes it looks like just contentment. Sometimes it looks like the absence of sadness or the absence of fear. Sometimes it looks like laughter, and sometimes it looks like tears. Sometimes it looks clouded in pain and sometimes it looks like the removal of all pain. Most of the time, though, most of the time happiness looks mysterious. Being here in Kona at this DTS, at this amazing place of transformation, is rather bittersweet. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have in this place, but I cry because God has broken my heart, I cry because God has broken me, I cry because God has broken all of those around me - nothing has ever looked more beautiful.
When I laugh here I laugh genuinely, with an ache in my side. I've been broken here, but broken by the God I love. I have been built up here, by the God I love and the ones who serve Him. Every time I sit down to write about the experience of being here, words fail me. I am overwhelmed by what God is doing in my life. He is renewing my hope and renewing my mind. He is restoring my life, reigniting my love. He is refining my soul. He is reassuring me, and He is redirecting me.

I have found a family here. The first week here my class shared our testimonies, and we ended up sharing our deepest struggles. It bonded me to them. The second week we publicly confessed to each other and to God, and we nailed stakes into the ground, we put our stake into God's will for us. It bonded me to them, it bonded me to God's will for me. The third week we read aloud personal scriptures and prophetic words given to us. We cried for each other, we laughed with each other. It bonded me to them, it bonded me to God's will for me, and it bonded me to God's love for me, for those around me. I am in the place I have been called to be. I have been burnt down to the core of who I am, to ashes. I am being built up to God's purpose, being refined into a precious jewel, a diamond.

p.s. If you have texted or e-mailed me and I have not replied, I am so sorry, I tend to check my messages when I don't have time to reply and forget to reply later. I love hearing from everybody though so please keep trying to contact me and I will be better at replying I promise. My cell phone still works here, I get to the internet about once or twice a week and I also have a mailing address (if you would like that just ask and I would be happy to give it.)

I just found out that for outreach I am going to Panama! I will also be going across Central America to possibly several different countries in that area. I will also be spending a week or two in Capetown, South Africa. Two days ago was the deadline to decide whether or not to join the two-year-track. In my prayers I felt like God was telling me to wait on Him, so that is what I am doing. Your prayers are appreciated in this area of discovering what God has planned next, whether that means the track or not. At this point to do the track would take I financial miracle, but God provides, so I will wait on Him and see what he wishes to provide for my future. For all of you back home I love and miss you, please give biggie a big kiss for me next time you see her and hug my mommy for me.