To love you will be my greatest accomplishment

I don't believe that one single moment can define who we are. No one memory sums up our joy, our pains, our hurts, our accomplishments, our failures. But I do believe that there are moments when our soul clicks into place. Like something happens in reality that confirms a mantra of our hearts and minds. There is a moment from when I was a teenager that reaches across the span of time and holds my present captive with its painful grip. I acknowledge now in adulthood that I gave this single moment too much power and precedence. But see the thing is it was a moment of pain that identified with my own version of myself.

I was 13-years-old, consumed with all of the insecurities that came with that age. I remember bright sunny days, sunscreen and make-up and pretzels. Friends. Laughter. Ordinary summer events that spelled out adventure to me. Almost every summer my friends and I would pack our bags and pack ourselves in by the carload headed through the mountains. CreationFest here we came! 3 days of camping and concerts, water fights, cliff jumping, swimming in the lake. Thousands of teenagers and a city of tents. It was like everything that summer was supposed to be, crammed into 3 days. At the time it seemed like the epitome of an epic adventure. Looking back it seems like it kinda was too.

One Moment. My girlfriends were beautiful they had long hair and knew how to do their make-up and they swung their hips with confidence when they walked. They laughed and they smiled. They were beautiful. They must have felt beautiful. I wasn't sure of my place among them. There was a grass and dirt road that went through the campsites, I remember the smell of earth the feel of grass and flip flops. We walked down the path. My friends walked down the path. One day there were two boys beside the path, sitting in lawn chairs. Relaxed, feet spread out, arms on armrests, laughing, enjoying the view. My friends walked by. Long legs, pretty faces, laughter and smiles. The two boys called out, cat calls, and whistles, and laughter. Cat calls, and whistles, and laughter. Now we weren't just a group of 13- year-old girls camping, we were 13-year-old girls camping with our older brothers. Older brothers don't take too nicely to cat calls and whistles and laughter. So on that epic summer day two boys got talked to by some very protective older brothers about respect and women and how the two should be mutually exclusive. My turn to walk by. I should have been treated with silence and respect, but in the back of my mind I wondered if these boys had learned a lesson and what would happen when I walked by. I walked, a smile tugged at my lips. Wait for it. . . They lifted up their hands and covered their mouths and coughed and said two words that reverberated in my mind. One said ugly. One said idiot. UGLY. IDIOT. Click went my soul. My mind had been like a pinball machine bouncing an idea around my head - that I wasn't quite beautiful. Without protest there words seemed like truth to me, and so I accepted them.

If I am honest about my deepest darkest fears, I would tell you that I am most afraid I am not quite smart or beautiful enough. My insecurities across the years have been fanned by a parrot on my shoulder, a whisper in my ear. . .ugly. . .idiot. At 13 I believed a lie and at 23 I sought to find my truth without their lie. What hurt a 13-year-old girl can NOT stop a 23-year-old woman in her tracks. With humility and honesty I say these next words. I am beautiful. I am creativity inspired. I am capable of great feats. The one hardest to believe - I am God in His most human form. I am love. And I see my purpose in helping others find the grace and hope and beauty in their most pain filled moments. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You should be told this every day until it clicks with your soul, finding home in your spirit. And I will take great pleasure in telling you this every chance I get. It is my destiny to love you.