The bear naked truth: (HOW TO LOOK GOOD NAKED)

I feel that this blog could use a little explanation. While this particular blog entry is about a very specific topic it wasn't written for an audience. of one. I didn't write it as a banner of praise to myself. I wrote it so that I would better understand myself the journey I am on, a journey that involves waiting. While what I am waiting for might be very different from wherever you are in life, I hope it can be for you -for anyone who has ever had to wait for anything, ever. Spoiler alert, it's about sex or the lack there of.

In a couple of days time I turn 26 years old, which I freely acknowledge in the great scheme of life expectancy is very young, but in reality, for me, it boils down to one unquestionable truth. Roughly 13,674,667 minutes of virginhood., but whose counting? (I think I just heard my fathers sigh of relief from 300 miles away). 

Why do I find the fact that I am a virgin worth announcing to the world at large??(I'll get to that I promise). 

For the past few years I have created a tradition of sorts around my birthday. As the new year and a new age looms ahead I examine where I am and where I am going and ask one question. What is the one thing I cant live without having done before the sands of time collapse on me again? The hourglass fades, the clock strikes 12, and 25 miraculously vanishes and suddenly I am 26 years old. When 23 years was quickly becoming 24 I got my first tattoo, branding my virgin flesh before it could get another second older (another part wrinkled). When 24 was being swallowed by a quarter of a century I got my drivers license ( a feat almost 10 years overdue but something I will always be proud of and unashamed in). So now here I am surrendering 25 and picking up a new year and I have chosen. . . (NOT THAT!). . . I have chosen honesty. So as boldly and bravely and modestly as I can, I am going to stand before you, with my heart and my soul at least, naked.

A long time ago I made a choice that I would have sex with only the man that I would choose to be my husband. I have not once regretted this choice nor have I really put myself in a circumstance where it would be truly tested. I made this choice for many reasons, yet it is a part of myself that I often hide from those around me. As I seek to confidently stride into my upper 20s, I seek also to be transparent about why I am who I am. I could tell you, my loyal listeners, the easy answer parroted since Sunday school. 'because the bible tells me so' Or I could tell you that the ring I wear on my right hand, a gift from my parents, reminds me always of their hopes for me, their want to be proud of the choices that I make. These answers hold true, BUT THEY DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT WHO I AM. This choice I made, to wait, does it make me better than someone who did not make that choice? NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. Does it make me more naive, this innocence i've strived to hold on to? MAYBE, SOMETIMES. Is this regrettable? NEVER. Has it been easy? NOT FOR ONE MOMENT. Have I been in situations and made choices against my purity? YES. Have I ever regretted a choice Not made, a moment Not taken? YES. If I chose not to wait anymore would the waiting still have mattered? UNDOUBTEDLY YES. Will I not wait anymore because waiting is hard (and I didn't think I would have to wait this long!) I WILL WAIT.

According to the bible, which I do believe in, where thoughts are deeds and sins are never hidden, long before introduced to R rated movies and a media stream of constant innuendo I lost my innocence. So I write these words not out of superiority or unrighteous pride, but in all the humility that I can muster. I love God and I understand that His desires for me go far beyond any desires of my flesh, any thoughts of my carnal mind. In my incompleteness HE LOVES ME. In my pride HE FORGIVES ME. In my shame, HE REDEEMS ME. In my hope, HE SUSTAINS ME. In my impatience, HE UNDERSTANDS ME. My bible is but a shadow of what I know in my heart, that in waiting I begin to understand HIS JEALOUSY FOR ME. 

In all honesty sometimes the truth of my wait is as simple as fear that no one has ever seen me naked. Most of the time it is with the knowledge of the greater truth, that it's not about me, or everyone around me, or any man. It is in knowing that HE HAS A BIGGER PLAN FOR ME THAN ANY ONE PLAN I COULD DREAM UP MYSELF. Am I waiting for Mr. Perfect? NO. I am waiting to understand GODS DESIRE FOR ME. I am waiting for A LOVE WORTH WAITING FOR.  I don't know what my 26th year will bring to me or what it will ask of me, or how many more years I will wait for a husband. I do believe with my whole heart that there is someone worth waiting for. A flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. I think that God is probably laughing and whispering all around me about who he has in store for me. Like maybe He is saying just you wait, just you wait. That ring I wear on my right hand. It was not a promise I made to anyone in my family, not even a promise I made to my future husband, it's a promise OF MY HEART - May my love for God be revealed in HONOR for those around me. That is my choice. I wait, not eagerly. I wait CONTENT. 

HE IS JEALOUS FOR ME! And with those words I begin to understand THE ONE WHO LOVED ME FIRST.