The Fear That Has My Face On It

How do we face the fears that stand before us? The giants of the land, the oceans of worry before us, or the paper cuts of our lives that just won't go away. Big or small, tangible or incomprehensible - they are the chains that hold us captive. The images, the thoughts, the feelings that make our hearts race and our souls tremble. WE ALL HAVE FEARS. We all have areas of our lives we feel the need to conquer, to overcome, to bind or to loosen. We think that to overcome our fears we must face them.

To love myself - to find myself as whole and good and worthy- I must face the things that found a place inside me that are detestable, despicable and yet utterly me. The definition of my fears is fear itself. Now how do I face that? . . .

I am afraid of owls. This seems silly I know - I mean seriously, disney movies have owls, wise owls who dole out good advice even. They're on christmas ornaments, baby's clothes, diaper bags and adorable knick knacks aplenty. And yet a picture of an owl, a hoot in the air, or heaven forbid swooping wings above me make me scour (their heads turn completely around. . . it's just not right). I leave stores because of stuffed animals and make people turn around vases in their homes. It's laughable really. And don't think those who love me most don't tease me about it relentlessly or inappropriately tag me in beady eyed birds, that shall not be named, pictures. But its real. I see those eyes, I hear that distinctive call and my heart begins to race, my breath falters and a vice wraps itself around my heart - my spirit unsettles and quivers and finds no rest. And there it is - the examination of that place where fear lives. It is in my mind and in my heart and in my spirit. When I think about the pieces of me that rise up in fear - the walls, the doubts, the insecurities and the defensiveness. When I examine those nooks and crannies and corners of my Soul, I might find resolve or a strong arm or a place of vulnerability, but what I don't find is HIM. My fears, if I look at myself honestly, are not the places in my life that I am most unwilling to face - on the contrary I probably face those places the most - like an image in the mirror. No they are not the places I refuse to face - they are the places I won't allow God to enter. I search and I search but I know I won't find Him there. Is it because He is unwilling to go there? Is that place in me that ugly? That detestable? That even the One who created it can not stand to be in its presence? These corners of me? Or is it that He won't go where He isn't invited in? Have I ever asked Him to?

I can say the name of the Lord and feel His presence, as His spirit calms mine. I can feel HIM. I can close my eyes and picture in my minds eye an owl, and what rises up in me - the protectiveness I feel for myself in that place is a wall that blocks the Spirit out. Where did He go? HE WON'T GO WHERE HE ISN'T WELCOMED IN.

Why do I block him out? What is it that I am afraid will happen there? That when He brushes away my fears, He brushes away some of my uglyness, but ultimately He brushes away some of myself? Something in me was ugly - a part of me was ugly, and He my perfect creator COULD NOT STAND THAT. But wait, I believe whole heartedly in a God of love - does this seem in character with a God of love, or an omnipotent omnipresent creator? That He could not stand to be in the presence of whom He created?

But what if it looks different than I think? What if it is not up to me to "face my fears"? To brush them aside so I can find Him - face to face? WHAT IF IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE DONE ALONE? What if instead of facing these insurmountable fears that haunt my years like a perpetual cycle of control and rolling rivers of mountains too high to climb? Or a forest full of owls? What if instead - I pause (breath in, breath out). And I invite Him in. Do you think He could face me like this? Do you think He would dare to enter the caverns of my soul that have been walled up to Him and do you think that He would sit there? That He would make a home there?

I close my eyes and I can picture Him like a polly pocket, like a lego man, or hell a tinkerbell who sits in that little corner of my heart that races in fear. I see Him sitting there. I see His peace being able to rest in that place. And you know what - my heart isn't racing in fear anymore. It's no longer a desolate secret hidden and lonely place. It's another corner of me where my Creator lives. A fire ignites and its catching and it consumes and I can not fear what will be burned away.

So don't hide your knick knacks and maybe don't shove them in my face. Because its not in staring at this fear in the face that I will find my freedom, its in inviting Him to see it with me, to hold my hand, to hold my heart and to remind me that there is no place He won't go and no where I can't go with Him. hoot, hoot.